Thousands of scientists, engineers, technicians and support staff at Los Alamos National Laboratory are hopping mad! Or they should be.
Stay tuned for more on this topic...
-Doc
PS. There is no love lost between the Good Doctor and pharmacueticals, illegal (aka controlled, recreational, etc) or legal (aka prescribed or over-the-counter). We are an overmedicated population.
On top of that, We have "signed the papers" and "taken the vow" and despite Our love of satire and irony have a fairly strong sense of honor and right and wrong, as most of our colleagues do.
So what WE are pithed about is not that we can't use illegal drugs... no indeedy, that is not the issue!
2 comments:
So. I came into work XXXXXXXX morning. About 8:45 my phone rang and the person on the other end of the line identified themselves as being from the "Personnel Security Assurance Program" and I was told that I must appear at 10:30 for a drug screening test. The location was a large Blue RV-like thing parked outside the Otowi building.
I had a meeting scheduled with my Division Leader from 10 to 11 so I told this person that I had a conflict.
They were not amused. They made it clear that the old policy of "Safety & Security First" had been amended to be "Bureaucratic Convenience and Self-Importance first... Safety and Security and all that other stuff on down the list somewhere"
They told me that I would in fact make my drug-screen appointment on-time or I would be declared to have failed it. They even referred me to the policy (which I had not read) and sure enough, the policy states clearly that they get to fail you for not appearing. And to add to my anxiety, it also said that if I failed, that I would be immediately terminated (there was no discussion about the many prescription and over the counter drugs from sudafed to tylenol that could cause these tests to read positive)
I asked if I could come earlier so that I didn't have to reschedule my meeting with my Boss... he's a hard guy to make time with.
They weren't having that either. "We have our procedures and you WILL follow them!" was the answer.
I called my DL's secretary and explained the situation, hoping they would maybe be able to get this bureaucrat to let something give or barring that, to adjust my appointment.
It was clear that management has been briefed on the unequivocal nature of this program. It was as if they have been threatened with their jobs if they "interfere" in any way.
The bottom line was my meeting with my DL is now postponed for two weeks while I wait for him to get back from travel.
I showed up about 5 minutes early, I surely didn't want to miss this fun experience. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I have a "shy bladder" and I didn't look forward to pissing on demand and with company. It didn't help that I had just emptied my bladder (after several cups of coffee) half an hour before the call came in.
The gentleman running the Pissmobile (as I now call it) was extremely polite, excruciatingly, outrageously so. I can imagine he has had a few folks who were more than a little indignant. And after the way the person on the phone behaved (not exactly rude, but far from sensitive or considerate) I was a little surprised. I suppose it is easier to be rude on the phone than in person?
I was relieved to discover that there were only men present. I don't know if they use one of their other vans for the women, if they stagger the schedules, or if maybe they only test men. It gave me hope that my bladder was less likely to be shy without knowing there were several women outside the thin door to the "specimen room" listening.
I went into the tiny airplane-toilet sized room with my little plastic cup (and lid), unzipped and naturally, nothing happened. After less than 2 minutes the guy knocks on the door and wants to know what I'm doing.
"Duh!"
I zip up and come out, holding my embarassingly empty cup lamely. The guy gives me a sympathetic smile.... "We are not allowed to leave you alone for more than two minutes"
"What?"
"We are not allowed to leave you alone for more than two minutes." "You are allowed 40 oz of water to drink." "If you aren't able to produce within 2 hours, you will be escorted to the health center so a physician can determine why you are unable to urinate."
"huh?"
Yup... apparently I was being "threatened" with a medical exam or something. I was being treated as if my inability to urinate on demand and under scrutiny made me unamerican or a spy or something. Sweet!
As my time-out approached I got more nervous rather than less. I kept wondering if the pro-force was going to show up in an armored hummer to "transport" me to the medical center like hazardous waste.
I imagined a nurse making me strip down to my skivvies and stand on a cold floor waiting for the doctor... a chap with a bad german accent who would ask me lots of private questions while running his hands over a tray filled with what looked like long flexible needles... catheters I would suspect.
This wasn't helping. I had gulped the 40 oz and was watching as scores of other men came in, took their cups, went into the room and returned seconds (or so it seemed) later with their "samples".
I was loathe to go in and fail again, but finally the place was empty and I thought "what the heck" and went in. It only took a few seconds and I had a nice warm stream to fill the cup with. I wasn't sure what "full" was, I assumed they didn't need it to the brim, but after all of the other indignities, all I needed was to be sent back in for "more" so I filled it as close to the top as I could.
I had dropped the lid earlier and stepped on it but didn't realize it was cracked and only when I tried to put it on, it wouldn't stay. Urine sloshed over the sides... I was embarrassed.
Finally the "nice young man" asked me again "What are you doing in there?" in a polite but insistent voice.
I opened the door and told him the lid was not staying on. He politely huffed off to get another lid which he handed me. I put that lid on and waited for him to take my "sample"... he indicated that I had to deliver it to him at the front of the bus. Geeze... he couldn't just take it himself, he was standing right there.
I was so rattled after that that I had to go take a couple of valium and a xanax. Maybe a couple of beers at lunch would help too.
I didn't know how to cover the two hours I'd spent on this... none of my projects is big enough to really absorb that much unproductive time without it hurting budget and schedule. Maybe I should take sick-leave... but then that only comes in 4.5 hour increments and I suspect I could get fired for "inappropriate use of leave". I haven't seen a policy on that, but I bet there is one.
I studied theatre in my undergraduate years and loved physical comedy. I intend to docilely fill their little cup and then as I'm walking back to hand it to the guy running the process I might just trip and let fly the cup across the room!
I wonder how many "golden showers" these jerkballs will need before they decide they need to find a better job! I drink a lot of coffee and my first piss of the morning is NASTY!
Post a Comment